Maybe you’re not the problem…
'I've surely run out of tears this time,' I silently hoped after another day of mental and emotional disaster. At this point, I'm freshly 26, oldest daughter - highly capable and chronically independent. I can hang your curtain rod, check your oil, and change your shower head; but I can't manage my internal environment. Top of my class, grad marshal at a competitive college, a job that most envy - name the accolade and I probably have it… but see, I achieve to cope with my mind. I can't be idle. I can't rest. I'm exhausted.
From the outside looking in, I appear untouchable - on the inside, I am deeply afraid I'll never feel okay. And that scares me because I know I'm on an unsustainable trajectory.
I have spent a lot of life trying to fix myself - wanting desperately to feel okay. I'm tired of suffocating in plain sight. The hopelessness has never been this heavy, and I am starting to struggle under the weight of it. I feel incredibly alone… surrounded by people that love me but unable to communicate my struggles and also unwilling to try. I'm an independent, successful woman - my identity is being okay.
That is, until I couldn't hold the act anymore.
"You just need accountability."
"You are carrying things you need to lay down."
"You don't have to do life alone."
"You…", "You…", "You…", "You…", "You…"
I don't need convinced that I'm the problem - I've known this from the jump. It's not hard to see that others are capable of functioning mentally and emotionally with reasonable effort, while I struggle to engage in anything because I'm distracted by my thoughts and feelings.
I can't do my job. I can't connect with people. I can barely make a grocery list. I am keeping myself alive somehow, but I can feel my light going out.
I need help.
If you've ever been here, I'm sorry - please know you're not alone. You're not broken, and you don't need to be fixed.
"There's nothing wrong with you. Your brain just works differently."
This caught my attention. A qualified, medical professional - whose nametag was full of letters - telling me I wasn't the problem. There was something I didn't know about myself - something that unlocked a new reality for me.
4 little letters: ADHD
"You just need to figure out what works for you. You can't expect yourself to operate like everyone around you. You need to learn to understand and appreciate how your brain is different - I think you'll actually find it very helpful."
26 years in, I got my answer - and it has changed everything.
I'm not overly emotional. I'm exhausted from managing my brain, and I have nothing left to manage my emotions.
I'm not lazy. My brain requires more dopamine to get started, so it tells me 'we don't need to start that yet.'
I'm not crazy. The part of my brain that is supposed to be able to suppress my inner critic… doesn't work properly.
I'm not careless. My brain assigns importance differently that I would prefer. Read and review an important document at work? Can't do it. A YouTube video about how squirrels are able to climb trees so effortlessly? I'm locked in. And when I do lock in, I can't get out - this is another thing I didn't know about ADHD. It's not just inattentiveness. It's the inability to manage your attentiveness - unable to start or unable to stop.
I'm not irresponsible. My brain's rationale is ‘We don't need to be in the car for another 37 seconds. You haven't flossed your teeth in 7 months, so you should probably do that now. And also double check that you turned the oven off - I know you haven't used it today but better safe than sorry. I don't think you have enough liability insurance to risk it.’
Learning to understand my brain has changed everything for me. And now that I understand it, I know how to support it. I know how to manage it. I know how to expect and work around the obstacles that it can present. I know how to set up systems that work for me.
And the coolest part? I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love it. It has been a long journey - the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. But it makes me who I am. And I can finally appreciate it.
I hope you'll embark on the same journey. Yours may lead to a different place, but the quest to know and understand yourself is time well spent. Build your life in a way that supports and aligns with who you are. But in order to do that, you need to get to know you. The real you, not the one you present for others.
It just might change your life.
